40 Weeks + 2 Days + Hospital Stay + Many Hours

So as some of you already know, I was admitted on Thursday night to begin the process of inducing labor. They gave me Cervadil at around 8 pm and my contractions started about 2 hours later. They were minor but enough to make sleeping very difficult - I guess that was payback for all the wonderful nights I've had full of sleep this pregnancy. I took some Ambien at around midnight but it did nothing...except make me feel kinda drunk. Oh, and the baby hates the continuous monitoring so a nurse was coming in every hour or so trying to find her heart beat. Nonetheless, I was so excited that I wasn't too worried about the lack of sleep.

The next morning I was able to eat breakfast and shower before they started the Pitocin drip in my IV. I was hooked back up to all of the monitors and we were off (luckily I was able to score a wireless fetal/contraction monitor!). By 10 am I was feeling slightly bigger contractions with the low dose Pitocin and Dan and I were walking the halls trying to help things along. It was very uneventful for most of the day, as the contractions got stronger and the Pitocin was increased. We watched movies, I rocked in the rocking chair through the rough contractions, and we waited. Waited. Waited. And waited some more. Just when the contrax would become regular, I would have a cluster where 5-8 would come one right on top of the next with no relief in between. That sucked. Since they kept jumping all over the place, I wasn't checked for progress until sometime around 5pm. After all of this, I was not dialated and the baby had not descended any farther down. WOW. 20 hours of contractions later (with NO pain medication mind you) and there was literally no progress towards delivery. I was crushed.

The midwife forced my cervix to 1 cm dialated. Yes, it was as fun as it sounds. This pushed my already hard Pitocin contractions back into a cluster mess of basically one constant painful contraction. My water was still intact and I was extremely tired so we had to come up with a game plan. My Pitocin was turned off and I was finally allowed to eat. After much discussion and consultation with the other OBs, we decided not to push my body any longer. Yes, I was sent home after almost a full day of un-medicated labor. And for those of you who have been induced, you are well aware that Pitocin contractions only mimic natural contractions in that....they're contractions. The intensity is almost immediate as drugs can't copy the natural labor process. They suck so bad, and I never even made it to active labor.

So here I sit, at home. On top of all of this, my contractions still haven't stopped but I'm thanking God that they are Pitocin free as this is tolerable.

I'm a mess of emotions and Dan is at work. I'm still trying to reconcile how I will go through this again, now that I know exactly what to expect. Now that I know how hard Pitocin makes it, and how all of the monitoring is absolutely miserable, and how difficult it will be to go med free as I had planned - Not even taking into consideration how much harder it can be if something goes wrong.

I also don't feel like I have anyone to relate to about this. Plenty of women have failed inductions but I know of not one who didn't end up in a c-section and ultimately get to that final goal of meeting and then taking home their baby. I basically went through labor (yes, I know...it could have been much harder) only to be sent home like a failure, without getting to meet our baby, all with the knowledge that I have to start this back over on Tuesday. This is all very strange and surreal and sad at the same time. I am trying to stay positive and remember that this baby is a trooper and stayed happy and healthy all through this. She is still safe inside and kicking and none the wiser about what Mommy has gone through. I'm ok with this because I'll do whatever it takes to have the best, safest labor and delivery for this little angel.

And for those of you who have told me this whole time I wouldn't be able to/shouldn't/don't know how to do this without pain medication....you may be right but it won't be for lack of trying and it won't be because I can't. It will be because after having done it for 20 hours, I don't know if I can do the same thing to myself not even 4 days later. But I sure as hell am going to try again. And I will not accept any input from any woman who went into the hospital one day and left with their baby a few days later - no matter the circumstances. If you didn't have to labor two separate times, I don't care what you have to say about it. You don't know how this feels. And I also don't care if that comes off as insensitive or holier than thou. I'm in a hard place right now and honestly, I don't care if I offend you. Thanks for understanding.